Plan B is the new Plan A
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
