Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
