I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
