you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
