just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Who died my cat blue again?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
