Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
