i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
