So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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