Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
