I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
