I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
