New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
