i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
