I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
