The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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