if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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