I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
