I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
