I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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