So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
