you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
