the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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