i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
