If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
