to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
