There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
