I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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