Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
