Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
