Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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