Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
