last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
