I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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