I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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