PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
