Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
