I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
