forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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