Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
