Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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