Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
