Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
