he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
