Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
