she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
