If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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