It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
