I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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