I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
