saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
