btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
