you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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